Apr 7, 2013

Urban Sprawl

Oh dear,

This weeks prompt for Illustration Friday is "Urban" - which you probably know now, but I'm guessing that, at some time in your life you will probably forget.

So it's important for at least one of us to write it down somewhere - just in case.

In case...

In case? Of what?

Oh I don't know, it's like, it's like... don't you ever have the urge to save your bus tickets and file them away alphanumerically in the top drawer of the manteau in the second bedroom where your Auntie Agnus used to sleep in the eighties  ?

Go on, admit it.

You never know when some black suited men are going to bang at your door one Friday night wanting to know where you were at exactly 8.15 am on July the sixteenth 12 months ago. Well, if you have a carefully arranged drawer of bus tickets (like myself) you will be able to tell them exactly where you were - that is if you happened to be on a bus on that particularly morning and kept the ticket.

So there's a moral there. I'm not sure what it is, or how important that moral is, but it's a moral all the same.

Well now that's out of the whey (my wife has started making cheese)....

This image is enthusiastically dedicated to the encephalitic dog-hearted varlot (EDHV)) who threw an empty beer bottle on my front lawn last Friday night, hoping the cover of darkness would shield them from retribution.

Well, it (the cover of darkness) failed.

I have a good description.

This EDHV was between seventeen and fifty, either a male or a female, probably somewhere under 180 kilos and likely to be under 250 cm in height. They were wearing some kind of footwear and staggering slightly. They were probably also wearing a black bra and a striped ladies cap - but are no longer, cause they are the two items of apparel I found by the side of the road on my way for a surf the next day.

No to mention the half empty coke bottles and the suspicious looking resealable plastic bags that, judging by their size and emptiness, must have previously held something.

So dear beer bottle-less, black-braless, brainless twit (I left out the double you the first time I wrote that last word), you should be shaking in your size 6 to15 shoes, waiting for retribution.  Myself? I'm going to get dressed in my new shiny black suit and come banging on your door this Friday night.

You better have your bus tickets ready....

Err, while looking for a definition of Urban in case I was getting it mixed up with Urbane, or Suburban - as opposed to the antithesis of "rural" I found this defintion of "hipster".

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.(snip). Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind,it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers... etc etc etc

I think I'm going to be ill... ;)

Thanks for looking. I hope you are well and sharpening your pencils to good points.

Edit: hah, I just read this and realised I sound like a cwanky old twit ;) Well, that's okay....

Don't you love cranes? So elegant arent they? Just like ballerinas- but they (cranes) don't wear tutus. And they don't make really big crashing noises when they land on the stage after doing a ronde de jambe grand jette pas de tout grande and peitit mal coup de grace avec escargot.

But seriously, have you ever sat really close to the ateg (that's an anagram for "stage") when ballerinas are dancing? They sound like elephants. That's why they need the orchestra - not for the music, but to drown out the noises of those wooden stuffed ballerina shoes landing on the wooden floor of the stage.

See what you learn when you visit? Amazing isn't?

Just think, next time there's one of those embarrassing pauses at your next dinner party you'll be able to say:

"Guess what Lady Lord Mayoress? Did you know that the most common cause of ballerina death is by foot septicaemia? Remarkable isn't it? But even more remarkable is that, in 90 percent of cases this is caused by infected splinter wounds traced back to the wooden inserts of their ballerina pumps? That's why I'd like you to sign my petition against wooden inserts used in ballerina shoes. Not only are they causing frequent deaths in the u nder eighties age group but they are putting a reprehensible strain on our health system. With this I will not up put!"

Or something like that :)


  1. Yay! An Andrew post! I'm still chuckling, though now I'm concerned about the Pepsi-drinking Mormon bum at my house. I know the litterer was Mormon because I saw them walking around handing out literature, and since I didn't see anyone else, it must've been the Mormons.

    I never take the bus so I'm doomed when somebody asks me where I was 12 months ago.

    Love the visuals. Makes me wish castles occured to me for "urban", but you did it better than I would've. Just love the mood.

  2. Oh my gosh, you are so funny but you already know that. I am engrossed in your narrative but I have not failed to notice the amazing concept and detail you presented for this prompt. Hipsters, eh? Do they have jobs? They can go on and on about being this and that, so on and so forth, but unless they work and earn their own keep they will just be a bunch of twits. We have many of them here and it has become fashionable to be out of work and be on government handout. It's okay, they are hip and they thunk they are smart. They say things like "Excuse me, I am afraid I have been charged for a cup of coffee I am not currently enjoying." Hahahah. Good to see you Andrew.

  3. Oh my. A little nighttime parkour gone wrong for the little lad? Good thing no one was there to witness it. Except for the crane, of course. And he is snickering.

    That staircase is awesome!

    I see my bedroom window. Tenth from last building, third floor, leftmost.

    Ballerinas thumping around like elephants. Hahahaha, Andrew, you slay me.

  4. As Tikographicus said..... “City life is millions of people being lonesome together.”

    Thanks, A, the show was very good ! beyond my expectations , a lot of people..... so no complain!
    see you

  5. Hi Andrew--Just checking in. Great post. I always thought Ballerinaism must have been titillating in its day--something to get the geezers to the theater once in a while. Ballet? Tonite? Why certainly my dear. I, er, like the shoes--but they must be excruciating.

  6. What a fantastic illo:)Love all the details:)When you wrote about ballerinas that sound like elephants I couldn't stop laughing:)Great post:)

  7. So fun to see a post from you- So hilariously twisted, almost like driving to LA in traffic and enjoying it! :o)

  8. Well, I am always late to comment now! so sorry I've been too busy to stop by but I'm so glad to see you posting something new. Now I need you to find that whip because I haven't posted in eons. I see you are back to full on creapiness. I love it! So many interesting things to look at. Love that sky :D

  9. Coucou...
    J'avais manqué cette publication grandiose... semblable à cet escalier !
    Je me sens un peu comme cet échassier en ce moment, un peu perdue... sentant le vide plein autour de moi !... La tristesse sans doute, la perte de mon amie... ma chienne dalmatienne.
    Très belles illustrations...
    Dans ta dernière publication, je suis admirative devant ton talent.
    gros bisous


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